X Men Origins: Suffering

    After our  favorite mutants (and Storm) went head to head with Magneto, gouvernment black ops groups and the biggest villain of them all, Brett Ratner, Fox decided to delve itself into the history of the franchise's most popular character. Because demystifying the mutant whose likeability comes from his enigmatic past and personality is the best way to go.

    Also, let's not forget, X Men Origins came after the hate crime The Last Stand was. So expectations weren't high. People just wanted a decent, entertaining piece of cinema with some good action. And the trailer wasn't that bad, so a glimpse of hope was on the theatrical horizon.

    While it didn't accomplish all of the above ... it was still a piece of something. ( The 'S' doesn't stand for hope in this one. )

This may look like a poster, but it's actually the script.

   

And here's a reaction shot of Jackman and Schrieber having read it.

    The plot revolves around the history of its title character, how he got to know some of his later foes, allies -like screaming- and his trusty leather jacket. We also witness the way he goes through the well known Weapon X program and a nuclear power plant. So the epic quest of revenge against its source material goes on.

    Before anyone assumes this is going to be a long movie rant, be calm, that part comes later. First and foremost, let's get the -sort of- good parts out of the way:

• It killed Will I Am's acting carrier.

• The 2 aforementioned actors at least gave an effort.. If you like Liev Schrieber ( who plays Sabrethooth / Victor Creed ) in this, go watch Ray Donovan, but if you like him from the show, step away NOW.

• This bizarrely spawned one of the best movie tie-in games in recent memory.

• The real life depression documentary of Kevin Durand. 

Only after his stress eating did they decide to include Blob in the movie.

    Now let's claw our way into the bad 

         I'm still very much inclined here to say everything, but what the hell, let's have some fun.

• The characters/actors -I mentioned Schrieber and Jackman and their attempts, but despite their efforts, there's the dialogue. The difference with the other actors is they just didn't care.

Look, it's discount Kevin McHale. Just give him that mustache already and let him write Meine Kamf  2 or whatever.

                                                -And there's a version of Wade Wilson here, played by Ryan Reynolds. Before his transformation, he's a fast talking, snarky crazy person with swords and guns.After then he even tries to get into character. I won't lie, I liked it. But what happens to Deadpool -whose main trait is talking till his enemies go insane- when he gets hit by directorial lightning ? If you're answer is HE GETS HIS MOUTH SEWN UP and is given laser eyes, ability to teleport and retractable katana arm bones and you didn't even see the movie, you shouldn't be allowed to have pillows or use door knobs.

BEHOLD. The cinematic equivalent of vegetarian bacon.

                                                -The other characters aren't represented better either. They're all unrelateable and unlikable 2 dimensional screaming seizures waiting to happen. Somehow their interactions don't seem organic or entertaining either. From Gambit to the Blob, Emma Frost, Scott Summers,etc. everyone's getting the cinematic middle finger.

I forgive this guy though. He's just trying to find Penny's boat.

• Awful CGI.  -Before the movie came out in theaters, a pre-post production screener was leaked online. It all depends on if you like your hookers with just AIDS , or with slight makeup on as well.

                              -So this is a mindless action movie with bad action. I too love to eat my cereal after flushing the milk down the toilet.

                              -And the -formerly practical, now CG- claws look like the director's son loved Wolverine and knew how to use MS Paint.

Guess which screenshot is from this movie.

• The "plot".  -As I said, it stripped the mystery from our enigmatic lone wolf AND he even gets 5 minutes of slap-stick comedy with his "new" claws ( which basically should work the same as before, they're just covered with Adamantium now ). 

                               -For unknown reasons, the Weapon X program wants to kill Wolverine after they turned him into an -even more- unstoppable killing machine. That's almost as smart as trying to stop the Hulk by making him angry.

                               -Instead of showing us more than 3 minutes of battle scenes from all the wars Logan fought, we get a special episode of Twilight in the Woods ... And they don't even play mutant baseball ?!

Meet Kayla Silverfox ( Lynn Collins ). Her mutant abilities include sex and plot exposition.

                               - I forgot to mention this..

                               -DODGING THE (Adamantium) BULLET. Throw a bath sponge at Sponge Bob's head and he'll get permanent amnesia, because that makes sense. Oh well, at lest someone gets the luxury of not remembering this.

                               -In case you missed something, here's a recap.

• Oh, and WILL I AM.

    Closing remarks -This is part of why critics won't take comic book movies seriously. I say this movie should've been rated R for mentally challenged. Also, it's sad that after X2 I had to wait 8 years for the time when the nemesis of the X Men isn't a movie director or screenwriter. I know a comic book series with the same title exists, but from what I read, that's stupid too. You don't have to make pizza out of (rotten) broccoli, okay ?

    On a scale of 1 to 10 X Men Origins: Wolverine gets a
   

This review is endorsed by every sensible person on the planet..